The Apex 15th December 2002
So, by about this time tomorrow I shall arrive in Southern Israel where there is 12 hours of sunshine a day, temperatures in the high 70s, lots of beach and no commitments. Also it’s within easy access of Mt. Sinai which, for reasons I can’t really identify, is a place I’ve wanted to go to for a long time. Marking my half century on the planet seems a very appropriate time for me to do so.
I ought to be excited and looking forward to it but, as with anything like this, I’m just highly anxious. Sometimes I really do feel excited, other times it seems unreal – especially in the gloomy weather which we have here at the moment. What seemed like a great idea when I booked it in October now seems like a huge obstacle in front of me.
I’ll keep looking ahead, like the good ploughman, and I know I’ll get there. But why does it have to be like some sort of endurance test? A hoop to jump through? It’s supposed to be for fun and to see somewhere of historical significance and scenic beauty – something to enjoy. But it seems I can’t do enjoy any more.
I can choose to resist the demons of anxiety and futility and go on trips like this but I have no control over whether I enjoy it or not. Sometimes it seems that the best I can hope for is a satisfaction that I did it rather than chickening out. But it isn’t supposed to be like that.
Maybe it will all seem different when I get there. I’m hoping so, but not really believing it.