Written at London Heathrow 23rd of December 2002 time 2155

We were freezing cold and very glad to get back to the van where we could warm up a bit. We stopped off at the hotel to use the loo. It was full of Arabs but they were okay. My prejudices are too strong! On the way back we looked through the food bag but could find not a lot which we wanted except biscuits and apple juice. We didn’t say much on the way back – I think we were all tired.

I wondered whether this was the end of the contact with Donna. Whether the “divine appointment” had come to an end. I had suggested getting a hot meal if we got back to Eilat soon enough but it was quite late. We got through the border and, I guess, my feelings of losing something were breaking through. The jeep to collect us arrived and the driver said one of us could go in the front. I suggested Albert might want to do that so I could talk to Donna particularly about meeting up again either for a meal that evening or the next day and since we were going to be dropped off at different hotels, it didn’t seem like there would be an opportunity. Donna said she would go in front and to my shame I felt disheartened and thought, “ok, this is it – good while it lasted but over now”. Her going in the front was perfectly reasonable but it still made me feel bad.

We got to Dan Panorama and Donna had to bring back the receipt for the trip which she had forgotten. While she was there I was chatting to the Desert Ecotours bloke about the food we hadn’t used and the trip itself. Donna came back gave a bloke the receipt and I thought she would just go back in. Actually she came up to me and asked it we were going to see each other later at all. I mentioned about eating that evening and she agreed that it was too late so I asked about next day. She said she was going to the kibbutz during the day but was free in the evening. She said she would call me when she got back and I said we could meet up then. She smiled, gave me a friendly wave and went in. Got back to the hotel at about 9pm, watched a bit of TV, had a drink and thought a bit about the day.

Basking in what had happened

I had actually climbed the mountain! With all the hiccups and uncertainties, it had actually happened. Also the uncertainties were over now. I didn’t have to worry about the arrangements going wrong or messing up somebody else’s holiday or anything. All I had to do now was enjoy the beach in the warm and then go back home. And I was going to see Donna again – maybe for the last time but that felt better than an abrupt ending which I thought might happen.

On Sunday morning I had breakfast and went to the beach. I spent some time just in contemplation and thinking, not so much of the events of the previous day as such, but just about the God of Sinai and about him being so much greater than any particular place and yet the majesty of the place being a powerful icon of Him. Then I prayed in a more intercessory way.

It seemed the right time to write stuff down about the whole experience of the week. There was so much and it has touched so many areas of myself. I spent most of the day writing then thought I’d have another look at the CDs then go back to my room to watch the English News and wait for Donna to call. I watched the news and waited, wondering if she would actually call and how long I’d give her before I called her. Eventually waited until 6:45. I had been wondering if something had happened to her, if she was ill or had a fall or something at the kibbutz. No particular reason to think that. Also wondered if she’d just forgotten, but that would surprise me.

So I called and she didn’t seem very bothered one way or the other. She said she had a strange/bad day but thought it would be better for her to go out. It sounded like she wanted to be encouraged so I said let’s go and I would meet her at her hotel. We went to the Mall HaYam and had a chocolate. It turned out that she had had a disappointing day at the kibbutz. She’d met these people, or a few of them, before and expected to be able to meet the people and talk to them. She’d even thought that working there would be a possible next step if she left the Steiner college. But in fact she had just been given a brief tour round the ecological activities. Then she had a slow bus trip home with a load of school kids and a bus which did a tour of several other kibbutzim. She was very disappointed.

I can well understand that and, in fact, just writing that brings pain because I can so easily imagine being disappointed in that sort of a way. Also she had bought a special crystal at Saint Katherine’s which was in two parts and she was going to give one piece to each half of a couple. When she looked she had the stone egg things but not the crystals. More disappointment. The sort of thing I would feel – maybe many people would do too.

She was very lost, not feeling happy at the Steiner place and not knowing what else to do. She felt that she hadn’t been growing over the last eight months or so. I tried to encourage her but didn’t do very well. Also it turns out that she has hardly any contact with her family, partly by choice. She was uncomfortable talking about how she felt and changed the subject by asking me how I come to where I was. I told her about my career, which later seemed strange because it was the spiritual journey which was more important to me and I didn’t mention that at all. Then I thought that I would have been more use to her if I had done. I decided to write to her when I send the photos. Exactly what I’d write, I wasn’t sure but, in the spirit of all that had happened before, it would become clear. I’d also felt that the Sunday evening would be a time when there might be some deeper stuff talked about so it didn’t surprise me. I wasn’t looking for it though.

I still feel that there is something more to say, or write, to her and maybe that will be the end of the “divine appointment”. I’m not sure but, in the spirit of what has gone before, the important thing is following God’s path for me – not aiming directly for anything else. I’m aware that my purpose for writing would be to encourage and offer something which would hopefully help her on her path, not to establish any sort of ongoing friendship, although if that happens it would be nice.

We walked back to her hotel. Neither of seemed keen to let go but neither of us could think of anything else to do. We got to the hotel and stopped for what was going to be a “goodbye”. We both smiled at each other, she said again that she really appreciated my setting up the trip. I said that if she hadn’t been around that the trip just wouldn’t have happened and I would have had to do Friday night, in temperatures of -4C and a sunrise which would have been obscured by cloud. I asked for her address so I could send some photos and she happily told me. She was surprised that I remembered her surname. She asked me what I was going to do next and I said I’d just go back to the hotel. I asked her what she was going to do and she said probably just go to bed. It was still quite early. So we hugged goodbye. I didn’t know about her but I didn’t want to go. So we said “take care” and then quickly “bye” and we went our separate ways. I went back to the hotel thinking things ended OK but was bothered that we might meet at the Airport and how I would handle that.

On Monday I made sure I was packed and then went to the beach and wrote some more of this. I walked around a bit waiting for the time to go back to the hotel to get the bus to the airport at 1:25. I got to the hotel and checked out, then sat to wait for the bus. The diving lady came and we spoke. She seemed more keen to talk than listen. The bus came and we were off. It seemed strange and unreal that I was on my way home. There was a good view of the desert on the way, a good way to say goodbye to Eilat. I got to the airport, went through check in and was aware that the Luton crowd would come through at about the time I’d board. I was very nervous about this purely because it would complicate what had been a good-as-possible ending. I saw the first few of the Luton people coming through but not Donna. Eventually the flight was called and I scarpered quickly into the gate area and was grateful for that. From then on, it was plain sailing.

I drank too much wine on the plane which made me sleepy especially on the coach to Bristol. There were lots of noisy kids on the plane. I did some more writing of this on the way home but it was getting more and more difficult. I got home at about 1:30am, made some tea and downloaded emails etc.

On Tuesday morning I wrote some emails and posts, including an argument with Sunderland about Israel, and walked into Clifton to get food from Sainsbury’s and get the photos developed. Their print machine had broken down and I had to go to Broadmead to finish off the job. A weird ending, almost a smile from God. I got the photos back, some came out ok, some didn’t. I need to cut out some bits. In the afternoon I did some more writing of this and also a big post to SFS and upsd. Big prayers is in the morning. Quite emotional and plenty of awe and joy which surprised me. I can’t remember when it was last like this.