Awareness that I was “me”
“Prayer is our humble answer to the inconceivable surprise of living”
Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel
Although it was long ago, I still remember the time when it first dawned on me that I was alive. The face I saw in the mirror was me. The body that I saw was mine. It was under my control and whatever touched it, touched me. I had received this priceless gift, not only of a body, but of consciousness, not only of consciousness but of causation. The gift of consciousness which I received was not merely that of an observer. With a thought I could move my hand, with a thought I could walk, with I thought I could manipulate my body as I chose.
In the past I had seen people. I had seen what they look like. I knew what they were just as I knew what the mirror was. The face I saw in the mirror told me that I was one of them.
The person I saw in the mirror was different from all others, it was me, it contained my consciousness. It was under the control of my consciousness and my consciousness was a prisoner in it, constrained to suffer if it suffered.I knew that this life, which I had just realised was mine, had not been in existence long. I knew also that it had come to light out of a dimly lit and unknown past. A past which I could later compare to being like coming round after being knocked out – except there is no memory of anything earlier or even if there was anything earlier.
So what was it that I had just discovered? With the mind of a small child, maybe 5 years old or younger, I could do no more than experience this new thing. Although I tried, I couldn’t gain any insight into this strange phenomenon of consciousness, only experience it with awe. I had no doubt that as this growing consciousness was new, that I had been put into this body by someone. I knew it had not been my parents because they were the same as me so it had to be someone greater, but I didn’t know who.
So I came away from the mirror with thoughts I couldn’t understand but with inexpressible perplexity and curiosity.